Echoes of Sorrow
I remember sitting in the back of my mothers convertible top car one night in the early 1990's as a little boy of maybe three years old. My older stepbrother was sitting next to me and my mother was driving. I can remember the breeze on my face and through my hair and the way the soft glow from the old streetlights would shine down on us as we drove underneath them. Everything inside of the car would be lit up momentarily as we passed under one of the towering lights. I would look over and see my brother and mother glowing and illuminated along with the white leather upholstery and then darkened again as we passed through the spaces between streetlights. It would go from dark to light and back to dark only to be lit back up over and over while driving and as a small child it was something I was mesmerized by on car rides at night.
My mother had the radio on and I remember Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall playing along with Led Zeppelin which was Regina the vampire queen's favorite band although I cannot remember which song played. I thought Led Zeppelin was scary too. This was around the time my sister had met her too, maybe a bit before. My older brother sang along with much of the Pink Floyd song, especially the ending. He probably wanted to leave the world and say goodbye; He had experienced some brutal things.
Dio's The Last in Line began playing. It started very soft and comforting and after Dio sings "We are coming...", it changed into heavy metal and he wails "HOME!" really loudly. Dio could blend what sounded like different songs and genres together into one song, sort of like Queen. The heavy metal and loud wailing absolutely terrified me and my mother changed it. So many things in this world are unnatural and are at best a blend of good and evil.
This post will be another where I dive into aspects of my shadow and some of the ways music was involved in my waking up process. It may be a bit dark but not too bad though. I don't listen to much music anymore but I will provide links to songs I used to listen to for those interested. Most of the artists are probably in the cabal cults and have done terrible things. This post isn't about them so much but how the art was a part of things. Certain things have been bringing up memories of the music and I felt compelled to make a post.
Music is a type of magic and a spell. I never listened to much music early in life. I did frequently watch movies and TV shows and I did play video games on and off but I never cared much for music in my childhood and early teens. In my early childhood I liked Magic Man by Heart and the singer didn't scare me like Dio. One that I do remember I liked is a song by Goo Goo Dolls called Iris which was played in a commercial or something for that Nicholas Cage movie City of Angels. It would become relevant later.
I was a well behaved and well meaning child. I was brutally suppressed by my parents, especially by my father. I experienced a lot of dark paranormal activity and was gaslit by my father and punished and torn down for nothing. He was a very bad person towards me. This world is under a spiritually dark occupation and myself and many other good souls found ourselves with so many bad and unnatural experiences that we had to wear our shadow like a suit of armor for protection and numb ourselves to the constant evil. It was all we could do and we did the best we could.
I had a complex PTSD. I am working on it and this is a part of organizing and exploring my thoughts. Emotions were difficult for me and I didn't feel much by my teenage years. I had
become very emotionless; I remember starting to feel anger and resentment and it was such a rush. They are not always good emotions but for me it started to break some of the disassociation. I began questioning things, although I had repressed so many bad memories and hadn't really started waking up just yet.
I tried to organize my thoughts and feelings by writing in a journal which was an early precursor to this blog. I got them out through art which has its on page up top on the blog.
It didn't take very long into middle school and especially high school for me to find out that I was different.
I practiced mixed martial arts, archery, and some firearms along with exercise like resistance training and cardio. Although I was not tall I had a heavy build and was the strongest in my weight training class. I received compliments from others on my mixed martial arts. People really liked my drawings and paintings. I liked animals as well.
I did above average in school even though I could not study and retain the information because I almost never got more than two hours of sleep at night. I always had trouble sleeping as far back as I can remember and I always felt terrible. I had depression on and off and this is where my inner storm may of started. Very intense thoughts and dark emotions. This may be one of the reasons why the mind control in school didn't work on me. It was absolutely brutal but it was all I knew yet I still got compliments on my grades and appearance. I was extremely calm because nothing could scare or unnerve me with what I had experienced, even though I could not remember many of those things yet.
I would go deep into certain films, TV shows, books, and even certain video games by researching them because I knew there were deeper truths hidden inside. I had some great friends on the football team and friends within every clique and social cast but I never really belonged to any of those groups. I was always the respected outsider. Although I usually didn't tell anyone about my after school combat sport stuff people could kind of tell and narcissists did not like me. I would find later through David Icke, Eve Lorgen, and others that their is usually a dark entity aspect to narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. Yet
the perceptions of me could wildly vary. Some thought I was a dangerous person who could snap anytime and become violent. There were rumors about me even though I never harmed anyone. I was probably the guy that would help stop a school shooter even if that meant being killed in the process. I was hard to
figure out and secretive and I wasn't even fully aware I was doing it. They were projecting media fears onto me. I think because of the dark occupation which controlled the world and them, they saw me as an enemy because I was of the light. So many things including perception are reversed in this dark occupied world.
I could not relate to them and I just knew I was not like them and I
often felt alone around friends or in a room full of people. I couldn't
help it and was probably protecting myself. I have come to learn it was probably for the best with how incredibly fake and dark human society can be. Looking back I was still a
traumatized little boy in so many ways and was so fragile beneath my suit of armor. I never
wanted to harm anyone and was hiding so much pain and trauma from the
countless dark paranormal attacks and traumatic abuse from horrible
people like my father. I had hid it all from myself as well to survive and it was all slowly
starting to come up.
In tenth grade my sister showed me Weird Al Yankovich and some other goofy comedy type music. This somehow lead me to come in contact with some of the dark and disturbing rock and metal that had become a sort of popular alternative to rap and pop music. The cabal cults that run human society own and control mass media. They put out heavily occult music and artists and all the while push an image with it and cast a spell over the masses. It has been part of the decline of the west.
All sound from electronics, phones, TV's, computers, radio's, is in 440hz which is a harmful frequency and was actually pioneered as part of Nazi mind control programs and then brought here after world war II to be used on us. Long story short is the cabal cults that ran the Nazi SS merged with the cabal cults that were in the US, Soviet Union, and NATO countries and went global after Germany lost World War II. We all lost. Various programs have been used on the public ever since and sound is involved in some of them. The sound from all electronics is now 440hz. It is a subtle harmful frequency along with constant negative news, various fears and stresses, toxic food, air, water, and vaccines, and these things keep people in a constant negative state. This shuts the brain off. I try to get away from electronics and LED lights for a few hours a day.
The cabal cults will push the mainstream music and knowing there will be those that don't like it they also promote fake alternatives to the mainstream, some of which are worse. In my case I did not like any of the rap or hip hop type music which was heavy, nauseating, and completely cluster B psychopathic music. You could check off the boxes for narcissist, sociopath, and psychopath traits in almost every song that I would hear other people playing. The stuff is cool and glorified. The cabal put forty years and billions of dollars behind it for a reason.
Rock and metal are pretty bad too and have been heavily cabal pushed since the 1950's rock music and 1970's for metal but I found the darker rock and metal more intriguing and I starting frequently listening to certain things. I find it interesting that I was very picky with music and if I listen to some of it now after waking up I can hear the esoteric truths and dark philosophy in the music I used to listen to, and its the same with games and movies I used to like; like a part of me was drawn to the hidden truth. Some of it absolutely blew me away.
The cabal blends truth with dark media on purpose. If you may wake up to them and be a threat then you would probably have a strong soul. Life will beat that kind of person down and they will probably have an inner sorrow or anger. How could you grow up here and not have pain, sadness, anger, and a search for some kind of light. The darker music, mixed with truth and suppressed emotions will appeal to them and it is supposed to hold them in the dark place they are in and make them worse.
I was drawn to it. In this world of light and dark it was a strange part of my waking up process. It reminds me of different people using the internet. I used it mostly for waking up, music, diet and exercise, and others used it for viral videos and pornography. It depends on the person and the soul. It is heavily contextual like many other things.
I liked the band disturbed especially the songs Decadence and Stricken; I was cold, lonely, and wanted to find a better life and real love someday. I had lots of repressed memories which would soon began to come back. Look at the chorus from Decadence; it was one of the first songs I really listened to and it literally started to happen shortly after listening:
Then, you slowly recall all your mind
Why your soul's gone cold
And all hope has run dry
Dead inside
Never enough to forget that You're one of the lonely
Slowly recall all your mind
I loved someone in high school and I remember listening to Stricken and thinking about them. I believe there is a hole in me somewhere just like in the song. I believe it goes back to neglect and abandonment from my mother and father and them not protecting me from the dark paranormal.
I liked the Ten Thousand Fists album and Indestructible was okay too.
People might make fun of heavy metal but I started feeling emotions again. This world is disturbing and just like horror and science fiction in media the truth of the world under dark occupation is subtly captured for those with eyes, ears, intuition, and a soul that came here in part to remember and wake up.
One of the first songs I really liked was Half-Life by 10 Years. Life here is fake and sex which should be a good thing has been weaponized and de-spiritualized. Sex and love seem pretty dark and painful at times and it is not supposed to be that way. They became one of my favorite bands and I will still occasionally listen to them even though I no longer listen to much music. There music can be dark, sad, and intense but with deep truths involved in a way that few can match. They may not be a part of the cults.
Their album The Autumn Effect and Division are two of my favorites. The Autumn Effect even ends with a song called Slowly Falling Awake which became eerily accurate. Insects, Faultline, Cast it Out , The Autumn Effect, Beautiful, Patiently, Picture Perfect, and Proud of You are some of my favorites. They have a lot of good stuff I didn't mention. Patiently would make me think of my Pleiadian Do Not Worry experience and also about not having my soul mate or twin flame with me, but maintaining hope that I would find them.
I listened to Deftones and I liked Hole in the Earth, Beware the Water, Change, and Passenger. Owls were used as album covers for Deftones. Owl experiences are common for paranormal experiencer's and it became true for me later. I also liked Tool and A perfect Circle songs like Wings for Marie part 1 and part 2, Right in Two, Jambi, Third Eye, 3 Libras, Blue, and Orestes. One of their band members formed Ashes Divide and it is worth a listen.
I listened to Killswitch Engage in high school and liked some of their stuff and I don't care if its metal core. I remember liking My Curse, The End of Heartache, As Daylight Dies, Let the Bridges Burn, Desperate Times, and The Arms of Sorrow. Years later in my early twenties when I had some teenage friends, one of them started randomly singing my curse to me which I thought was odd because they were too young to remember it and it was a guy singing a love song to me. Its one of the reasons I mentioned the band.
They did a cover of Holy Diver by Dio which was my first re-acquaintance with Dio since he terrified me as a child. Ironically Dio may of been one of the few big rock stars and celebrities that was not harming children in the cabal cults. If so he got there with hard work and talent and a lot of the music industry cultists seemed to respect him. I did a post about Dio called Magica where I got into some of his music.
There were other bands I listened to. This won't be an exhaustive list because it would take forever:
Down in a Hole and Would by Alice in Chains
The Meddler, Closure, Comfortable Liar by CheVelle
Beyond the Sun and Lost in the Crowd by Shinedown.
A lot of Coldplay songs
Home and Take Me All the Way by Three Days Grace
The Prophet Song and Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
Tiny Dancer and Bennie and the Jets by Elton John
Man That You Fear by Marilyn Manson
I also remember Korn, Slipknot, Tear for Fears, Led Zeppelin, ACDC, Nine Inch Nails, and others. I won't list them all but there were quite a few that were mentioned on the onvampires wordpress site that the author of the site and the vampire queen liked too.
I maintained my own personal light and
found balance day to day with a search for truth, exercise, and art. I was also very distracted with things like school and combat related stuff and usually half asleep. At
eighteen years old going into 2009 I was introduced to Alex Jones and
took a deep dive into the alt-media. I began finding answers and I began to
remember the childhood paranormal experiences.
When I got out of high school I listened to music on and off like 10 Years, Seether, and Dio. I continued with shadow work on and off. I never felt ashamed to back away from it for a while and immerse myself in matrix activities like TV, music, or some video games for a while. They helped take my mind off of things. I was picky with music but I still liked about half of what those artists had put out.
Seether is unique because of how dark and vulnerable they can be
while having a sort of strong masculinity at the same time. Very
vulnerable and dark yet strong and masculine which is where I would like to think I was at. They can do the heavy rock and metal and also there own sort of
acoustic folk music. I like their covers of Careless Whisper and also a song by Veruca Salt called Seether
which is wrote in a way that it is probably sexual but not necessarily
though. Others I liked were Words as Weapons, Crash, Save Today,
Butterfly with Teeth, Senseless Tragedy, Breakdown, Rise Above This, and Blister. They also did a cover of Change by Deftones.
New paranormal experiences erupted. I dealt with them with a fearlessness that I believe was partly from hope and determination and partly from the disassociation and no other choice. I would experience them, write them down, and move on. It was a part of my shadow. The emotions and grieving would come later. This carried me into my early twenties.
In deep prayer bordering on meditation I reached out to any benevolent intelligence's for help and answers. There was so much darkness; there had to be light out there too. I eventually got a response with the Do not worry experience. Although my faith did wane many times that experience always helped bring me back to some kind of center and hope.
Over the years the shadow work became deeper and my negative behaviors began making more sense. I gradually began improving some of them although depression and my intense inner storm would come and go still. I had became an emotionless light machine but it was starting to breakdown. It was a suit of armor to protect me that I didn't even know I was wearing. I began to understand it and take parts of it off. It was painful.
It reminds me of Spartan 117 in Halo whose suit started to become a part of him or more so the suit in Crysis 2 which physically merged with the wearers body after a traumatic experience. The shadow becomes a part of your life and identity here in the dark occupied world but it is not really who you are. I used powerful stones as a part of this like Tachyonis stones and I believe they were a major part of the process. Their cintamani and moldavite are a great combo. The amethyst plate is great to carry in a pocket or to use as a room crystal.
Some of what I came to terms with was mentioned earlier: I was an innocent child who was absolutely terrified of and brutally tormented by dark entities daily, I was punished for telling my parents about it, and I had to experience the events and repress them. That is what I had to hide from myself and others. It wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve it. I had seen a glimpse into the enormous amount of darkness that took the world over and after recovering the memories and putting them into place they were some of my earliest experiences.
People just would not understand and I had to keep it to myself and self isolate as much as possible. Their lives and world are scripted and controlled under the dark occupation and I just could not be a part of it. Peoples energy and presence are dark and make me physically ill. Their smart gadgets make it worse. I gradually lost most friends and family and did as much shadow work as possible and continued my waking up process all the while believing in a light at the end of the tunnel.
At times I would feel very lonely and would want real friends and true love. I wanted to be taken to advanced civilizations underground or off world for a better life. Numerous times I wanted to end it all. I also envisioned being dissolved into the sun which is a form of execution by advanced civilizations. You completely dissolve back into God forever. I still want it at times. Beyond the Sun by Shinedown comes to mind.
Ever since moving to the rural suburb in my late twenties where I
reside now I have had numerous owl related experiences. Some seemed
ordinary for the area while others bordered on paranormal. I always had strange experiences with nature and they picked up since moving here. Nature connected to the divine. They are basically shamanistic experiences although I would not call myself a shaman.
The reason I actually started this post was because back in late 2024 going into 2025 I felt very alone and disillusioned. I lost my dog Hercules in February 2025 which was so horrible and sudden. For years I was alone and only had Hercules and his mother. I lost her late 2023 but still had him. He took paranormal attacks for me like the time I saw a soldier demon looming over him as he whimpered for help in his sleep. Although my inner world is deep my outer world and circle of companions is very small and it was like my world ended. We also lost a lot of chickens around this time and they are close pets too.
Around the time I lost my dog Hercules in early 2025 I would see a thumbnail of a certain young woman I had feelings for on youtube and I would feel intense emotions. Sometimes it was a bit shocking. I may of even felt her pain and loneliness at times. I called her an influencer in a past post but I don't know if she would like that. I never liked any women on the internet before this but she seems special. In the outer world it just seemed impossible and foolish with no practical way of contacting her and getting to know her. I am not on any platforms other than youtube. The energy is bad on the platforms and the few times I tried them out I had bad experiences.
If she is reading this I do not mean anything bad towards her, I cant help how I feel, and I just want the world to be free from the dark for me and her and everyone else. It is part of my mission and it may be complete soon. I wanted to contact her on better terms where the world was getting better.
My outer world seemed hopeless so I went inward. I cleared more darkness, especially that summer. I lessened any bad feelings regarding the young woman with my knowledge of white magic and did the same with Hercules. I cried a lot over him and did not realize what a good friend and companion he was until after he was gone but I was so happy that I was good to him while he was here. I believe with those tears came many more that had not come out over the years for myself. Even in death he still helped me. Pets are here to help us and I was blessed to have him.
I started thinking about some of the previously mentioned music like Stricken by Disturbed, which I haven't heard in years, and I would think of her while walking at night.
I thought of her once while getting into my truck and Blurry by Puddle of Mudd was on the radio which I remember listening to in high school. I decided to send her a message but received nothing back. I don't know if she even saw it. I started feeling better going through summer because of my white magic. I still like the young woman and would like to talk to her. I want to know if we are soul family or maybe more.
I still cry occasionally about Hercules. I was watching the movie Hidalgo recently and the scene where he is about to
shoot his injured horse got to me because of how close they were. It
reminded me of standing over Hercules at the animal shelter and petting him knowing he would soon be put down.
Iris by Goo Goo Dolls played in my head recently. It hit me how one of the first songs I ever liked and resonated with as a child it had become sort of real:
I had to isolate from the world. I became a creature of the night and a ghost and dove into my inner world. I have had Pleiadian contact among many other meaningful experiences but to humanity I do not exist. Even if they knew they would think I was crazy or a threat. They wouldn't understand. The ones who said they cared are liars.
What I have seen and know goes against everything they believe and base their reality upon. I never regretted pulling away from them but sometimes the loneliness would really get to me. You can't just make friends and find somewhere to fit it when you are like me. It doesn't work that way. It is a lonely path and I just wanted the young woman to know I existed.
If I do listen to music now it is classical in 432hz or something close. Meditating with Mozart is interesting as well as soft piano. Lisa Alexandra has lots of interesting info on her channel and the music in her subliminal videos is great to have playing while I am reading.
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